Paul Martin diagnosed with rabies

OTTAWA -- Prime Minister Paul Martin has been diagnosed with rabies in the latest disaster to strike his floundering minority government, according to a highly placed source in the Liberal party. Martin is in the terminal phases of arctic fox rabies, the strain of the deadly disease that is most common in south-western Ontario. Rabies affects the brain and leads to increasingly erratic behavior as the disease progresses.

"We watched him make the deal with Layton and we thought he was crazy like a fox," said the Liberal official. "But now we've learned that the fox in question is rabid."

News of the diagnosis was leaked after Martin, slavering and foaming at the mouth, bit NDP leader Jack Layton and then disappeared. Witnesses say Layton was attempting to feed Martin a milk bone after successfully commanding him to sit, when Martin suddenly bit him in the hand and fled. Layton has received rabies shots and is expected to recover.

Martin was last seen scampering in the vague direction of Amherstburg, Ontario, where Conservative leader Stephen Harper was making a campaign style speech today. Harper was quick to take advantage of the news.

"As soon as we get back [to the House of Commons], I will be asking our caucus to put that flea-bitten cur out of his misery at the earliest possible opportunity," Mr. Harper said.

Harper's handlers were said to be unconcerned that Martin might attack Harper, although they were concerned that Harper could contract the deadly disease by biting Martin.